Showing posts with label Feminism. Show all posts

I'm 40 and I Still Kiss My Parents On The Lips

Why oh why do I read the stir? I'm hoping it was because someone linked it to me.

The post in question is called Stop Kissing Your Kids On The Lips. Lo and behold it is from 2010. I found this out because, just now when I went to find it I see it is far from the only time the stir has stirred this particular pot.

This article takes a stab at Harry Connick Jr. but previous ones targeted Will Smith and this month it was Jessica Alba who admitted to kissing her (gasp!) 5 and 3 year old daughters.

I'm kind of gobsmacked that this is a controversy. I've known for a while that my family was in the minority. I was in college the first time someone asked me why I kissed my sister on the lips. I didn't even know. That's just how my family greets each other. I kiss my immediate family on the lips and extended family on the cheek.

Yes, I'm 38 years old and I kiss my mother, father, and sister ON THE LIPS everytime I see them. Usually twice - once for hello and once for goodbye.

I kiss my kids on the lips every night before bed.

I have kissed my sister on the lips in greeting in public places. I guess that could be shocking because there is no reason to assume we are related and (gasp!) girls kissing girls?? Perish the thought!

This article prompted me to respond because they quote a child and educational psychologist, and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA, named Dr. Charlotte Reznick. The minute I saw a professional chiming in I became worried. With good cause;
She gives the example of a 6-year-old girl kissed on the lips by her father. It's completely innocent on both sides, but when the girl goes to school and tries to kiss her classmates on the lips -- equally innocently -- she's placed in the role of "sexual harasser."

Yes, this was a huge problem. I was constantly kissing everyone I met on the mouth. (that was sarcasm). By the time I was in school I was old enough to have experienced thousands of interactions with other family members and friends. It was easily clear to me without explicit instructions that this was a kiss for immediate family only. If for some reason I hadn't picked up on that (impossible) then I'm sure my mother could have simply pointed it out.

Besides, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that the amount of physical touch we give should be dependent on the receiver's comfort level? My daughter is a hugger. I don't want to train that out of her because it is a beautiful thing, a hug. What I have told her is that everyone has different levels of personal space and some people don't like to be hugged. That doesn't mean they don't like you or that they are mean, it just means you should show them affection in another way - smile, greeting, etc.

Teaching them about appropriate touch is important so that they know their comfort level is also important. They never have to touch, kiss, or be touched or kissed without their consent. So, discussing who/when/where kissing on the lips is appropriate isn't something to be afraid of.

She goes on;
"As a child gets to 4 or 5 or 6 and their sexual awareness comes about (and some kids have an awareness earlier -- as when we notice they start masturbating at 2 or 3 sometimes -- they just discover their private parts and it feels good), the kiss on the lips can be stimulating to them," Reznick explains.

"Even if that never occurs to a child, it´s just too confusing! If mommy kisses daddy on the mouth and vice versa, what does that mean when I, a little girl or boy, kiss my parent on the mouth?

Ugh. This is just gross. Yes, at some point I realized that there are different types of lip kisses. Just like there are different types of hugs (lingering, back slap hug, side hug, etc.). I called the kisses I saw on TV "twisty kisses." One time I tried to give my dad a twisty kiss. He didn't freak out and yell at me and then stop kissing me.

Can you imagine the emotional damage that would have done? I didn't fully understand the gravity of twisty kisses between a dad and daughter. I would have just known that I did something wrong and now my dad refuses to kiss me. I would have been confused and devastated. It would almost certainly affected my ability to kiss others for years if not decades.

What my mom and dad did, thank goodness, was explain what husband/wife kisses were (excuse the heteronormativity, it was the 70s) and how those were different from family kisses and cheek kisses. No big deal.

Dr. Resznik's broad comments are also culturally insensitive (and clueless). Kissing varies greatly from region to region. In parts of the Sudan, kissing is not done because they see the mouth as the portal to the soul and kissing invites death or soul stealing. In some Muslim countries kissing between non-married man and woman is punishable by death.

For the most part, however, kissing is a very common form of human communication that dates back centuries. Even in Europe, home of the cheek kisses, mouth kisses were near universal until the Black Plague made the cheek kiss the norm.

Among the Manchu people kissing a child would be scandalous! According to Davis, Martha.Anthropological Perspectives of Movement. Arno Press. p. 56. ISBN 978-0-405-06201-8;
Manchu kissing is purely a private sexual act, and though husband and wife or lovers might kiss each other, they would do it stealthily since it is shameful to do ... yet Manchu mothers have the pattern of putting the penis of the baby boy into their mouths, a practice which probably shocks Westerners even more than kissing in public shocks the Manchu.

Very shocking! I don't think we should adopt this extreme but it is clear that the meaning of physical contact is a cultural construct. One person's hug is another person's...well fellatio! The point is to teach our kids cultural literacy - that everyone is different - and consent - that touch should, first and foremost, be consensual to both parties.

Am I saying everyone should run out and start kissing everyone on the lips? Not at all. It never bothered me that other people didn't kiss their families that way. It also didn't make me judge them or rethink my rituals. I love that my family is physically affectionate. I know there is research that suggests the lack of parental affection in teens (particularly boys) can cause huge and unidentified emotional distress. And, never, forget the horror of the Romanian orphanages where children literally withered and died without human affection.

Humans literally need touch to live.

pokpvh62cc1azzoMaybe lip kissing isn't your thing. That's fine. But don't let our culture start to vilify the act of kissing children on the lips. We want to encourage a strong cultural awareness in our kids of the power of touch and the importance of consent and comfort for themselves and others. We can and must do so without resorting to erasing healthy, loving touch out of fear for unhealthy touch.

 
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Vaccines and Feminism

I think the vaccine debate is often a hidden misogyny. Saying things like "2 seconds on Google" or calling those who don't vax "anti-vax truthers" implies that non-vaxers are stupid, alarmist, and selfish.

I love and respect science which I worked in for a decade. But, believing in science doesn't mean I have to ignore non-science. Science can't explain why acupuncture works but it does. Science says vitamin E doesn't reduce pre-menstural breast tenderness but I have 20 years of experience that says otherwise. That's fine. If the science isn't there then the medical profession should steer clear but we - individual people - don't have to steer clear. It is the same with vaccines.

Like the story of a mother whose daughter got a vaccine on Friday and by monday morning had pulled all of her hair out. She is a statistical anomaly and therefore her mother is just being hysterical. That's misogyny. We have no respect for motherhood, mothers, or the choices women make for their families.

While worrying about measles I think we should also worry about how we treat women and women's choices in the process.

I don't consider myself anit-vax. To be anti-vax would mean I want to end the practice of vaccination. I don't. The science is clear that vaccines produce the intended effect (reduction of childhood illness and loss of work productivity of parents due to illness) at an acceptable societal risk. If I were a government policy maker I would look at the science and recommend vaccination.

However, I would also respect a person's right to choose. I would never want to live in a country that mandated medication. Would you?

The fact is that Dr. Offit (an infamous pro-vaccine expert) and I agree on many things:

* vaccines produce antibodies

* vaccines reduce the occurrence of clinical illness

* vaccines reduce work absences

* vaccines are effective in the majority of those who take them

* vaccines don't work in 5-35% of people who take them - even after boosters.

* a small percentage of people will have a vaccine reaction that is moderate to severe.

A minute on the last one: Yes, vaccine proponents know and admit that sometimes vaccines harm - even kill. An infant that dies after the HepB vaccine because of a yeast allergy is an example of a person for whom a vaccine was NOT the best choice for health. No one disputes this.

And yet Mr. Offit and I disagree on a few points.

* the risk is negligible.

* the risk/benefit is not needed on a per-patient basis - a one-size-fits-all plan is sufficient

* the small number of adverse reactions is an acceptable risk for the wealth of good vaccines do.

I'm a conscientious parent. I don't do anything on a one-size-fits all plan for my three kids. I weigh the specific information about my child with the risk/benefit of a treatment. As with childbirth, education, nutrition, etc. I've done extensive research from good old medical journals and the CDC's own website. I never once consulted Jenny McCarthy (/eyeroll). My choice is that the benefits of vaccination did not outweigh the risk which was elevated in my case due to a family history of adverse vaccine reactions.

This is a right that should be respected. Respected because this is a free country where we can make our own decisions about our bodies. Respected because I should be respected as a woman and a mother as capable of making decisions for myself and my kids

Of course, some then say that I'm being "selfish" and putting others in harm's way. This is a difficult one because my obligation to society is very important to me. I would never take lightly the idea that my actions effect others. I don't "hide in the herd" and hope other people keep vaccinating.

The fact is I don't believe that non-vaccinated kids are anymore dangerous to can't-be-vaxed people than vaccinated children. There is plenty of science that agrees with me.

"Herd immunity" - a term stolen from natural disease vectors and used in vaccination despite no experimental verification of it working the same in induced immunity - is very debatable. But, let's say we believe whole-heartedly in herd immunity. There are still other ways in which vaccinated children also pose a threat to the non-vaccinated. For example, serotype replacement with HiB, carrier status with whooping cough, and vaccine shedding with live viruses like flumist and chicken pox.

These are agreed upon cases where a vaccine actually harms the herd. The decision that Dr. Offit makes is that this is an acceptable harm. That's fine. I don't make the same decision.

My children are a harm to an immunocompromised person when they are sick or carrying illness. I meet my obligation to the community by keeping my kids healthy and then keeping them home when they are ill. Vaccinated children are a harm to an immunocompromised person when they are sick or carrying illness. They are less likely to be sick (with vaccine available diseases) but just as likely to be carrying illness.

So here are some things that are terribly misogynystic to say to a mother (sarcasm in parenthesis):

* you just don't remember the death and destruction before vaccines (because, yes, I'm incapable of using history to make decisions and if I can't see it it doesn't exist)

* you don't understand the science (let's talk about the immune system and see who knows more)

* you just follow Jenny McCarthy (yes, I'm a vapid celebrity devotee because I'm a girl and girls are like, totally superficial)

* you are harming your children (OMG, this parenting thing is sooo hard! When will they feed themselves?)

* you are harming your community (whatever that's their problem I don't want a stinky chemical in my precious and pure children)

* you are just a conspiracy theorist or "truther" and thus anti-science (I'm a girl, math is so hard!)

I know an awful lot of non-vaxing moms and none of them are alarmist or uneducated on vaccines. None of them are shitty moms that don't care about their kids. They are smart, compassionate, wonderful mothers who have made a decision for their families that should be respected even if you disagree with it.

I'm all about common ground. I know that vaccines are a heated issue. I don't expect pro-vax people to completely understand my viewpoint. I do expect that we can both respect the humanity in each of us.

 
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