I'm 40 and I Still Kiss My Parents On The Lips

6:59 PM Unknown 0 Comments

Why oh why do I read the stir? I'm hoping it was because someone linked it to me.

The post in question is called Stop Kissing Your Kids On The Lips. Lo and behold it is from 2010. I found this out because, just now when I went to find it I see it is far from the only time the stir has stirred this particular pot.

This article takes a stab at Harry Connick Jr. but previous ones targeted Will Smith and this month it was Jessica Alba who admitted to kissing her (gasp!) 5 and 3 year old daughters.

I'm kind of gobsmacked that this is a controversy. I've known for a while that my family was in the minority. I was in college the first time someone asked me why I kissed my sister on the lips. I didn't even know. That's just how my family greets each other. I kiss my immediate family on the lips and extended family on the cheek.

Yes, I'm 38 years old and I kiss my mother, father, and sister ON THE LIPS everytime I see them. Usually twice - once for hello and once for goodbye.

I kiss my kids on the lips every night before bed.

I have kissed my sister on the lips in greeting in public places. I guess that could be shocking because there is no reason to assume we are related and (gasp!) girls kissing girls?? Perish the thought!

This article prompted me to respond because they quote a child and educational psychologist, and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA, named Dr. Charlotte Reznick. The minute I saw a professional chiming in I became worried. With good cause;

She gives the example of a 6-year-old girl kissed on the lips by her father. It's completely innocent on both sides, but when the girl goes to school and tries to kiss her classmates on the lips -- equally innocently -- she's placed in the role of "sexual harasser."

Yes, this was a huge problem. I was constantly kissing everyone I met on the mouth. (that was sarcasm). By the time I was in school I was old enough to have experienced thousands of interactions with other family members and friends. It was easily clear to me without explicit instructions that this was a kiss for immediate family only. If for some reason I hadn't picked up on that (impossible) then I'm sure my mother could have simply pointed it out.

Besides, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that the amount of physical touch we give should be dependent on the receiver's comfort level? My daughter is a hugger. I don't want to train that out of her because it is a beautiful thing, a hug. What I have told her is that everyone has different levels of personal space and some people don't like to be hugged. That doesn't mean they don't like you or that they are mean, it just means you should show them affection in another way - smile, greeting, etc.

Teaching them about appropriate touch is important so that they know their comfort level is also important. They never have to touch, kiss, or be touched or kissed without their consent. So, discussing who/when/where kissing on the lips is appropriate isn't something to be afraid of.

She goes on;

"As a child gets to 4 or 5 or 6 and their sexual awareness comes about (and some kids have an awareness earlier -- as when we notice they start masturbating at 2 or 3 sometimes -- they just discover their private parts and it feels good), the kiss on the lips can be stimulating to them," Reznick explains.

"Even if that never occurs to a child, it´s just too confusing! If mommy kisses daddy on the mouth and vice versa, what does that mean when I, a little girl or boy, kiss my parent on the mouth?

Ugh. This is just gross. Yes, at some point I realized that there are different types of lip kisses. Just like there are different types of hugs (lingering, back slap hug, side hug, etc.). I called the kisses I saw on TV "twisty kisses." One time I tried to give my dad a twisty kiss. He didn't freak out and yell at me and then stop kissing me.

Can you imagine the emotional damage that would have done? I didn't fully understand the gravity of twisty kisses between a dad and daughter. I would have just known that I did something wrong and now my dad refuses to kiss me. I would have been confused and devastated. It would almost certainly affected my ability to kiss others for years if not decades.

What my mom and dad did, thank goodness, was explain what husband/wife kisses were (excuse the heteronormativity, it was the 70s) and how those were different from family kisses and cheek kisses. No big deal.

Dr. Resznik's broad comments are also culturally insensitive (and clueless). Kissing varies greatly from region to region. In parts of the Sudan, kissing is not done because they see the mouth as the portal to the soul and kissing invites death or soul stealing. In some Muslim countries kissing between non-married man and woman is punishable by death.

For the most part, however, kissing is a very common form of human communication that dates back centuries. Even in Europe, home of the cheek kisses, mouth kisses were near universal until the Black Plague made the cheek kiss the norm.

Among the Manchu people kissing a child would be scandalous! According to Davis, Martha.Anthropological Perspectives of Movement. Arno Press. p. 56. ISBN 978-0-405-06201-8;

Manchu kissing is purely a private sexual act, and though husband and wife or lovers might kiss each other, they would do it stealthily since it is shameful to do ... yet Manchu mothers have the pattern of putting the penis of the baby boy into their mouths, a practice which probably shocks Westerners even more than kissing in public shocks the Manchu.

Very shocking! I don't think we should adopt this extreme but it is clear that the meaning of physical contact is a cultural construct. One person's hug is another person's...well fellatio! The point is to teach our kids cultural literacy - that everyone is different - and consent - that touch should, first and foremost, be consensual to both parties.

Am I saying everyone should run out and start kissing everyone on the lips? Not at all. It never bothered me that other people didn't kiss their families that way. It also didn't make me judge them or rethink my rituals. I love that my family is physically affectionate. I know there is research that suggests the lack of parental affection in teens (particularly boys) can cause huge and unidentified emotional distress. And, never, forget the horror of the Romanian orphanages where children literally withered and died without human affection.

Humans literally need touch to live.

Maybe lip kissing isn't your thing. That's fine. But don't let our culture start to vilify the act of kissing children on the lips. We want to encourage a strong cultural awareness in our kids of the power of touch and the importance of consent and comfort for themselves and others. We can and must do so without resorting to erasing healthy, loving touch out of fear for unhealthy touch.

 

Healing Cavities

8:05 AM Unknown 0 Comments

Did you know cavities don't need to be drilled and filled? They can actually heal. For some reason, despite research (just one source: Mellanby M, Pattison CL. The Influence of a Cereal-Free Diet Rich in Vitamin D And Calcium on Dental Caries in Children. British Medical Journal 1932; 1(37): 507-510.) that supports the healing of cavities, almost no one knows this and it is nearly impossible to find a dentist that will admit it.

Well Aellyn has a cavity and I'm so reluctant to go to the dentist because I don't feel like arguing with a doctor. Do you know they now use general anesthesia on little kids to fill cavities? Did you know the sealants they use are BPA (or just as harmful BPS if it says "BPA-free") and flouride? I'm sure to have to argue about flouride to someone who doesn't know or won't admit its link to cancer, lower IQ, and infertility.

Sometimes I just don't want to argue.

So my options are to drive 3 hours to a holistic dentist (who probably won't take my insurance) or heal Aellyn's teeth naturally. I'm going to give the latter a go.

Here's what we're going to try:

1. Daily cod liver oil/butter oil blend


2. Buy only grass-fed, raw butter (as soon as I can find a source)


3. Add a high-dose vitamin D supplement


4. Add calcium, magnesium, and phosphorous to her diet


5. Limit grains (this one's hard!) and sugars

Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

If I Ran the Schools...

6:17 PM Unknown 0 Comments

If I ran the public school system...

Oh the fun I'd have. First I'd start "school" at 10 not 5. That's ages not time. If we had to have a place to house children from the age of 5 on it would be pure play with lots of outdoor time.


Classes would be optional and the primary purpose of the whole kit and kaboodle would be to learn about anything you want. The school would be more library than school. Access to tools, gym equipment, labs, etc. Experts in different fields available to share their passions. Books, the fastest internet available, and scores of student-organized field trips/internships/shadowing.

There would be work to do. Actual work. Maybe not at the school but if you wanted to learn about fixing cars you would get to actually fix cars and get paid. There would be limits to ensure it doesn't become "child labor" but trust me, kids want to labor on something productive instead of times tables and standardized tests.

There would be governance - self-governance where the children and the adults are complete equals in decision making for the school. From hiring to building maintenance, children who were interested would be able to lead.

Their would be no division based on ages or level of knowledge. Younger kids would benefit from the knowledge of older kids and vice versa. Children would be encouraged to teach what they know to others.

There would be seminar series that are optional but interesting. Like TEDx talks.

There would be lots of resources and opportunities on social justice and problem solving. For example,

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• Learning from History (not just "about" history written by the conquering race)


• Causes of poverty and inequality (not just "economics" to further entrench us in capitalist thinking)


• Systems theory and Holism (learning a discipline is nice but only if you understand the whole)


• Survival skills (no Bear Grylls stuff but anymore basics like gardening, canning, basic carpentry, etc. are nostalgic memories)

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Debate, Discourse, Logic, and Rhetoric would be encouraged. Skills like brainstorming, executive cognition, and transformative learning would be emphasized.

Even at 10-16 there would still be lots of play. If Google has taught us anything it is that play is a human need. Sports could be organized if desired but just as likely to be a simple pick up game or an elaborate new game invented by the students.

16 you say? Yep. At 16, children would be granted full citizenship (we say they have it now but they don't). You would simultaneously be able to drive, drink, vote, rent a car, etc. (not at the same time but...you know what I mean). No prolonging of childhood by being greedy with rights and privileges.

Obviously, a change this huge is difficult in such a huge and entrenched system. That's why I'm homeschooling. I'm raising my kids for the future I hope to see not the one cynicism says we are going to get. Because if you prepare for the status quo you'll always have the status quo. To mix things up you have to dream and reach beyond what you can see.

What would your "school" look like?

How Do You Afford Living On The Road?

9:29 AM Unknown 1 Comments

This is the question I'm most often asked. There is a huge assumption that only retired people or "DINKS" (dual income no kids) or trust-fund babies can afford the luxurious "RV lifestyle."

Here's the thing: There is NO "typical" cost of living on the road just like there is no typical cost of living in S&B (sticks and bricks). 

You probably know people who rent tiny appartments and people with 80k houses in the city or 1.5 million dollar houses on the lake. Even in houses of the same price range one family might have a $400 budget for groceries while another spends $500 just on eating out. Some people have expensive shoes but drive an old car while others drive a Lexus but buy their shoes at the discount store.

Budgets are less about "cost" and more about priorities. I know people who own homes, love owning their home, and prioritize their home. They put capital into landscaping, redecorating, fencing, pools, additions, new kitchens, etc. To do so they may or may not need to be frugal elsewhere - maybe they never vacation. Another family might take extravagant vacations but choose to have a modest yard. They prioritize vacations.

If you live on the road the same applies. The budget needed to live on the road will depend on what you need, what you have, and what you want. If it is important to you to always have full-hook-ups your monthly camping fees will be higher than if you don't mind dry camping/boondocking.

If you want your RV to have all the luxuries of a S&B you will probably buy a big rig with slides so on rainy days you hardly know you're in an RV! RVs can come with leather furniture, granite countertops, fireplaces, big screen tvs, etc. Some RVs have washer/dryer, dishwasher, and 2.5 bathrooms.

Other RVs have the basics to function - beds, shelter, water, toilet, maybe a refrigerator. Some people live in vans and don't have water, toilet, or a refrigerator.

Why Live On The Road?

This range means you have to make decisions by answering 3 key questions:

1. Why do I want to live on the road?


2. What do I need to make that happen?


3. If I want something that I don't need to make that happen does it provide enough pleasure to warrant spending resources on.

For example, our reasons for living on the road are here. We make decisions based on that. Do we need a washer/dryer in our rig? It would be convenient but it is expensive enough to possibly limit our travel, it requires more expensive hook ups, and it deprives us of the chance to meet people at laundromats. So, we decided to go without.

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When we were first looking for RVs I actually became frightened that we would make this change but still fall into the same bad habits. I knew I DIDN'T want an RV that was so comfortable inside that staying inside would be comfy. I wanted my RV to be a shelter. I wanted to live our lives OUTSIDE the camper. I was so worried about it I actually thought about doing this instead:

[caption id="attachment_8614" align="aligncenter" width="300"] rooftop tent[/caption]

.(I still think that would be super fun)

There is nothing wrong with wanting your RV to be comfy. Maybe you are living on the road to see different cities and museums. Maybe mosquito bites and poison ivy are deal breakers. Maybe the time you'd waste at a laundromat would deprive you of enough pleasure to take away from your life. That's ok! But, knowing this deeply is necessary before you can even tackle the question of budgets.

Our Life On The Road

Given our purpose, we could then budget how we wanted to live. Since we hope to slowly decrease our dependence on capitalism and consumerism we kept that in mind. Our overall goal with money is to make as little as humanly possible to live the life we want. The life we want is less work and more life. So how little can we live on? This is what we hope to explore on this journey.

Here's our monthly budget for May:

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Fuel: (includes gas for Pete to go to work and propane and firewood) $100
Campsite with full hook-ups: $280/month (this rate is lowered by paying for the season in advance: $1450 May-Oct)
WiFi: $25
Electric (metered): $50
Groceries: $400
Insurance (Car/RV and registrations): $80
Phones: $135
TV (netflix/Amazon prime/hulu): $30
RV and Tow Vehicle Maintenance: $50
Laundry: $30

Monthly Total: $1180
Annualized: $14,160

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Now there are some expenses that are MUSTS: Groceries, Insurance, and Phones. The others we plan to be flexible.

Hook ups and Electric can be lowered by boondocking and staying in state/ntl parks instead of "rv parks". By workamping we can also put this at zero sometimes. For example, this fall Pete will be working at Amazon who is paying for a full hook-ups campsite.

Fuel will depend on how much we use and/or where pete is working. Travel will affect this cost as well. This month it is low because we aren't leaving north east Ohio. When we head west there will be a month where we'll need MUCH more gas for the tow vehicle.

WiFi is a must for us be we are willing to use public wifi at libraries and coffee shops when needed or if it is unavailable. This is less about money and more about location. We don't want to be limited to places with decent wifi.

On the other end of the spectrum we might want to visit a place like San Francisco where RV campsites are $100 or more per night. Or the Florida Keys. On those months our campsite budget will soar and we'll have to adjust in other ways.

Debt Free

Note that we don't have an RV payment or car payment in there. If we did it would limit our freedom to go where we want. We would be more tied to a certain type of job and we didn't want that.

Our RV cost $5500. We paid cash. We know we'll need to upgrade eventually and we want to do so without debt.

Living on the road with debt is doable but you will need a higher income which might limit where you can stay and those places might be pricier. For us, being free of debt was important.

Other Money Savings

We have chosen to drop out of the 'rat race' in more than one way. We decided that what clothes we wore was not important. We shop at Goodwill (which perhaps has horrible employment practices but we won't shop at the Salvation Army due to their funding of marriage discrimination lobbying). We buy groceries at Aldi's. We buy organic when we can and for certain things.

We want to explore ways to be greener. Less showers, less clothes washing, less water use. These things save money and the Earth.

Things we hope to explore outside of the monetary economy in the future: coops, barter, eco-workamping, woofing, and off-grid living. I'll be sharing all the gritty details as we go!

One Month As Fulltimers!

6:30 PM Unknown 1 Comments

[caption id="attachment_8606" align="alignleft" width="300"] Laetiporus or "chicken of the woods"[/caption]

We celebrated our first month as fulltimers by taking a long nature walk at Goodyear Heights Metropark Alder Pond trail. We saw a bunch of wildlife and cool bright orange mushrooms I think are Laetiporus also called sulphur shelf mushrooms or Chicken of the Woods because they apparently taste like chicken. I will try them one day when I become more knowledgeable on edible plants and fungi.

Life couldn't be better right now. We've made amazing friends who camp here on the weekends and the kids are just flourishing in nature. I was prepared to have some "adjustment pains" to life in a 24' RV but I haven't yet. That doesn't mean I won't - this could just be the "honeymoon" phase - but none yet.

Unschooling seems to just be fall-off-a-log easy in nature. Our walk today we discussed marshes, reeds, frogs, ducks vs. geese, trail etiquette, mushrooms, the lifecycle (how the dead, fallen trees rot and make nutrients for the new plants), and why people buy memorial benches.  All in 2 hours. I certainly didn't have all the answers and we left deciding we wanted to find a tree/plant/bird/animal/fungi identifying app for our phones so we can learn more when we hike.

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